Life is nothing but an uncertainty. An extended period of never knowing, and constant questioning. This is normal. This is good. It is the times where we think we are certain that leads to our downfall. We are never certain. It isn't possible. While knowing that a tangible existence isn't possible, it is not a revelation of despair. Without the preconception that we are in control we, in fact, are in control. Understanding uncertainty is the closest possibility of anything certain.

Complicated. I don't know what I am doing half the time. I am a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotion that are, seemingly, always attempting the precise scenario for epic downfall. My need to over-think, over-dramatize, over-rationalize every situation is constantly creating problems that could very well never exist. For this I am sorry, for I know no other way.

It is the constant struggle of my life to constantly evaluate my position. To use the terms of another; to look around at the table I have prepared myself. To see those that sit around me, and ask 'How did you arrive?' and then turn to myself and ask 'How did I arrive?'. Did I set this place at the table, or was it set for me, and by whom? Is that my name written on the card in front of me? Have I earned the right to such an invitation?

Frankly, no. But such is life. I have no right to anything. No more so, than anyone else. I have not earned my place, personally or professionally. What have I done for my career? For Graphic Design? How have I helped those around me in my work place? How have I helped my clients? Have I done what is beneficial for those around me, and honorable to those that came before me, and educational for those that come after? The answer is no, I have not. But, truth be told, I am still young. Though not an excuse, a fact, and the hope is that from having this perspective, it will lead me on to be able to finally answer, yes.

I now look to preparing my table. I look to those I care about, those I respect, those I wish I could do right by. I hope I can set a table people will join me at. Family and friends, too many I have that have been sacrificed to the uncertainty. Too many people I wish i knew better. Too many people that I miss, but don't tell them. For all of that I am sorry. You are all in my thoughts more than you know. My silence is that of questioning the constant of uncertainty.

But uncertainty is all I know. The addiction I am not able to give up. I realize it can cause difficulty and struggle, but is it wrong to acknowledge the uncertainty? To question action and place? To ask why am I at this table, and have I done what is necessary to be here? And the answer is, I don't know. I can only ask those questions, and hope that by asking them, it is enough.

With this, I begin to set my table. Carefully placing the dining cloth, candles, flowers, plates, and silverware out in hope that you will join me. I hope you can make it.


** To the person who contacted me recently, and probably does not read this. I am glad you did. I have missed your company, please have a seat next to mine, and excuse my poor manners. I'm working on it.

*** I am also trying to be a bit better about updating this. Please keep checking back or read down if you have missed a post. There is little worse than a person with a blog that does not update. I know we all have plenty to say, or at least should.